Where do I start?

As usual I come back to this road... This space of links and numbers and no connecting. Back to these desperate notes I leave trailing about once a year now it seems... Which makes no sense. I assure you.... whoever reads these things... that my life is like a brilliantly ruined record. Classic, richly cracked, scratched vinyl... With 365 days a year, a slot of time in a day... I would succeed my successors in blogging post. I always show up with a story to tell. Always. Though I would like to form my next sentence with the words "I hold my peace" I am afraid that this is the only outlet I have left... I never imagined so much pain. There is no peace. Hasn't been for so long. Stuck here again. Alone. When I lay down to sleep, it feels like I have been shot in my heart and he....he in his own precious head. I wake up each day with the taste of blood in my mouth. The words... Why?? How???...are seconds and thoughts of  "If only I could have" "This isn't real".... are by the minute. My mouth is full and I cant hold this thick rage... I spew these bloody words all over the innocent. The ones who will never understand what it feels like to swallow the abyss. Watch me simmer in thought and bitter as I keep these pages blank. I don't know if I'm ready.